Choking on misery and despair
by Immanent God Blues
Summary: A fic about Ulquiorra's life before he became an arrancar, a really miserable one. Character death, no yaoi, or any other pairings.


Warnings: AU, OOC, angst, rape intent, self-harm, violence and character death

A/N: In this fic, Aizen is Ulquiorra's father and his mother's name is Akemi.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or anything that is related to it.

**Choking on misery and despair**

Ulquiorra Cifer, that's how these puny people's called him. He despised them all, and was indifferent to the way they lived their life's.

But there were few ones that he did not just despised, he hated them. There's two of them to be excact. He hated Aizen, and he hated Akemi. _I hate them, and they hate me._

Ulquiorra's focused his eyes on his hands. They were burnt badly, and some nails were missing. Ulquiorra's gaze wandered from his hands over to the sheets, that covered his body, bloody bed covers and hips under it. Ulquiorra clung tightly onto those sheets, sheets that were dirty and had seen horrible things done to their owner. This torture had been repeating for quite a long time. For years. For years, Aizen had been raping him.

Ulquiorra forced his emotionless mask on his face, anything to keep that sob inside. He had been doing that since this sadistic thing called his father had left the room. Blocking his emotions, keeping sobs in, pretending to be indifferent to the pain.

Or that mark that was on Ulquiorra's chest.

_This is getting worse, __I hope I could run away._

Run? Ridiculous, he can't even walk properly.

Ulquiorra was interrupted from his thoughts by his alarm clock. A panic wave washed over black-haired male. He jumped off from the bed, just to fall all over the floor, and moan in pain. _Just don't wake up!_

Ulquiorra exactly knew what would happen, if he introduces Akemi's sleep. Or worse, Aizen's. He crawled to the alarm clock, and turned it off. Ulquiorra froze when he heard a sound, that sounded like someone had just opened the door. He slowly rose to his knees, and despite the pain, dressed as quickly as he could manage. All the blood from his hips was already on the covers, so there were no worry about dirtying his black clothes. Ulquiorra grabbed his schoolbag and was ready to leave the house using window, but, it was already too late.

Aizen was holding his shoulder in his death grip.

"Well, well", he said, sadistic grin plastered on his face. "You were going to leave the house without even saying goodbye? I'm depressed", he chuckled lightly,

not being able even try to make a sad face.

Ulquiorra was so scared, that there was no words to describe it. But yet, his face showed no emotions when he turned to face the saidst, and to lie straight at Aizen's face: "It was late, and I didn't wanted to be late from school, so I wasn't able to say anything to you, Aizen-sama", Ulquiorra said just as respectful as he could, without any sarcasm or fear dripping from his voice, but he still noticed that he had formed this sentence badly, due to tension he felt how will Aizen react.

It's depends on Aizen's mood, what will he do. " Don't lie to me", Aizen said, and Ulquiorra knew what will happen. Aizen slid his hand from Ulquiorra's shoulder to his wrist, taking care that his hand touched every bruise that was in its way. His smile faltered when he didn't get any reaction from Ulquiorra.

So he removed his hand, and next time Ulquiorra knew about this hands presence, it was curled with his own fingers.

Move could be comforting,

but movements target was to hurt,

and it did, like hell. Soon enough, Ulquiorra's hand was bleeding again. Ulquiorra's face cringed, emotions trying to peek out, but he knew that it would just turn Aizen on. So he just swallowed and stayed passive,

waiting for Aizen's next move. Aizen sat on the bed, and said: "You know what to do."

_I know exactly what to do, and that's the part that hurts the most. _

Ulquiorra slowly slid Aizen's pants down, and did the same to the boxers. Ulquiorra bruoght his face close to others member and tilt his head in a position that he wont see Ulquiorra's disgusted expression. He took his tongue out and licked Aizen's lenght. It took all his control to finish his movement,

and do it in a non-hesistant way.

After doing the same several times, he took Aizen's member fully in his mouth. He started stroking it, and after a while his work was regarded, Aizen became even more hard. "That's enough", Aizen stood up from the bed and forced Ulquiorra lean his chest on the bed, lowering his pants, almost ready to enter Ulquiorra. He never did nothing to make it more comforting or make it enjoyable, he loved when Ulquiorra clenched his jaw in obvious pain, trying to hold his tears back. That was the moment when Ulquiorra noticed a very little patch of blood on the wall near his bed.

It reminded him about something that happened quite a long ago. It was Ulquiorra's thought when he was 14.

_Someday I will kill you both. Send you to hell, for all the things you did to me, you bastards._

Ulquiorra was already in a pretty bad treating state.

But as years had passed he had become too indifferent to do just anything with his problems, too depressed and shut in to solve them. Now he decided to do it. To kill Aizen. He jerked his hand under an empty space he had leaved between wall and the bed so it would be easy just to shove his hand and take the knife out of the place it's hidden in, and that is under his bed (his bed was really low so it was possible to get the knife even from the opposite side of the bed).

Of course there was the risk that Aizen or Akemi would find it and kill Ulquiorra, but black-haired male was never afraid of death, all these stupid human laws, they are not worth following, all these humans,

they are not worth bearing with them.

"Do you remember that girl, Orihime? I killed her with that knife", Aizen seemed really calm,

even if Ulquiorra was pointing this very sharp that he used to kill his friend back from childhood. Yes, Ulquiorra did recall meaning of Aizen's words. An image of a wall, a girl with an eye inside her mouth, throat full of deep wounds and her long orange hair shoved inside of them. Her tongue was stretched until it reached around her chest.

_- Look Ulqui! An orange-haired girl said in a happy tone, and patted her chest._

_-This is where my heart is! Thanks to it, I can have friends, be happy, love my brother and do other amazing things that can make me happy!_

_Ulquiorra looked at the girl, his deep emerald eyes sad and a little of sarcasm shoving in them. _

_-But heart is just an organ that is pumping blood all over your body, so how does it help you to feel? Isn't it mind that produces feelings? _

_- Is that what you think? Heart holds our past, happy or not, way better than our mind, that always forgets and leaves things unnoticed._

_-I still can't believe your logic. And even if that's so, what will happen if you rip that heart out?_

Heart. All skin and bones were ripped off around Orihime's heart, and it was stabbed, dried blood on it. Ulquiorra rose, to Aizen's surprise, his knife above Aizen's shoulder and stabbed it into it hard. "I do remember that. And this is how I fell about it."

Ulquiorra gripped the knife harder, his burned skin bleeding a lot faster than when Aizen made it bleed last time, and twisted it so it was in the same direction as Aizen's arm. And then he jerked his hand down. Blood splattered over the floor. "AAARRRGGH!" Ulquiorra watched with dull eyes as Aizen leaned back and yelled in agony. Akemi ran inside of the room, asking what's wrong. She got stabbed in the eye.

"You did dig your own grave, when you chose to live here, where we do not have living near us."

Ulquiorra stood in his own room, that was no longer recognizable as his. It was just a red mess.

And now he no longer had rights to pity himself about the things his parents did to him, he was not any better anymore. Now when he did thought about it, he had no rights in this world anymore. He's not supposed to go to school anymore, he's not supposed to think about his actions and words before he said or did something.

He was completely free to do anything.

Anything nut live a good and a peaceful life, he had killed this chance right at the moment when he killed those disgusting things that were supposed to be his parents. He headed out and started walking towards a train station that was pretty far away.

When he stepped out in the snowy morning, he remarked that it was a lot colder now. His green and emotionless eyes followed the lines of things that surrounded him.

He heard a sound that sounded like liquid was dropping from something on the snow.

Ulquiorra remembered that his clothes were still covered in blood. They were black,

so he did not see it when he leaved the house. His face was covered in blood too, for sure. Ulquiorra kept on walking, he knew there was a river nearby. After he had reached the river he wanted to use, Ulquiorra knelt down next to it, and sank his hands on a place where some boys had thrown a rock at a bird that was unfortunately swimming here, and filled his hands with ice-cold,

and clear as if there is no sand and dirt deep down where the it reached the ground, water. Ulquiorra splattered water all over his face and opened his eyes once again. He had a black hoodie on him, and it was the thing that was bloodied the worst in Aizen's and Akemi's blood.

He leaved it as he walked along the river, making sure no one will find it anytime soon. He continued to walk, and noticed a couple.

"I NEVER REALLY LOVED YOU, YOU BITCH!" Lovers kept yelling at each other.

The word "love" made Ulquiorra think about Orihime, and her blabbering about heart, again.

_She was a kid, so no wonder she thought about world so nicely._

Ulquiorra reached the place where the couple had fought, and noticed a lonesome,

white rose that most likely fell on the ground from that teenaged girls bouquet. Soon after he noticed that there was also a red rose laying on the ground.

"WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" He heard that woman yell. He picked up those roses and continued his walk, but he decided to use a little longer way, because he probably did not want to hear any of this couples useless fight. And there was a place where Ulquiorra wanted to go to. He changed his direction of walking as the ways changed their directions, soon enough he was walking on a single trail, it was a rarely used one, so when Ulquiorra was in his destination snow had made his shoes really wet.

It was a graveyard.

Ulquiorra walked past all those graves and arrived to a single wood,

that had written "Inoue Orihime" on it. Of course Ulquiorra was not able to make a real grave for Orihime, because Aizen would go to prison then,

so he had chosen a place in graveyard,

not too close, so someone would notice, but not too far. He put those white and red roses on her grave and went on.

Ulquiorra was sitting in the train, looking out of window and thinking what should he do, or where should he go.

Sky was still dark.

Ulquiorra kept his left, and the most badly injured, hand on the seat that was next to him. He did not really pay much attention where he had put it, or on a what train he was. Ulquiorra noticed that he could see moon,

and then he felt pain in his injured hand. He gasped in pain,

and it started bleeding.

_It's three times already, I'm pretty sick of this all._

"Ohh! A little emo Ulqui here! Our little boy isn't at school,

learning how to annoy people's to no end?" Ulquiorra knew that voice really well.

Nnoitra,

idiot that said all those things that could cross imbecile's mind only,

and thought that he was cool.

Just to amuse his blue-headed leader, that was currently looking really bored. Whole Grimmjow's gang was like that,

full of crappy idiots. Following Nnoitra's example

, insults started raining on Ulquiorra.

He rose his gaze and did something he hadn't done for a while, looked Nnoitra straight in the eye.

"Just go and die in some crappy river already, imbecile."

Ulquiorra stood up from his seat, ready to leave at his station, jerking his hand out of Nnoitra's boot, splattering his blood all over Grimmjow, who was unfortunately sitting in a fitting distance to get the bloody shower, glove that Ulquiorra wore to hide his wounds did not help at all. But for some reason Ulquiorra had ability to heal fastly.

Ulquiorra had walked somewhat away from the train station, he stared upon in the sky. It's still black.

_What does it matter is that sky black or bright? Nevertheless, it will be always black for me._

Ulquiorra opened a door of an old building, using the elevator to go to the last floor. After walking the last stairs there was a door, made of iron,

but it was old, so when Ulquiorra first kicked it,

and then pushed hard against the material.

It gave in, and Ulquiorra was able to walk on the housetop. Building contained 19 floors, this building wasn't anything new to Ulquiorra,

he had been running away from Aizen after the school here,

sitting on the edge of the roof, eyeing those stupid people's doing their oh-so-important things, hurrying somewhere.

Ulquiorra liked the fact that he could just jump, and it was over. He liked high places, because when you live in a countryside, you can't have a really good place where you can see a sight like this. Sometimes, he could read here. If it rains, he would hide under an old coat he found while exploring this roof when he was nine. He sat on his usual place on the roof, spacing out in his deep thoughts.

First time when Akemi tortured his visited his mind.

_-Mommy? Mommy stop! _

_Ulquiorra yelled when mom pressed a scalpel against his cheek._

_-Such a pale cheek we have here... _

_She pushed the scalpel against his cheek, and some blood started flowing slowly,_

_and then dropping down from little boy's chin._

_-You know what, my dear, I have never seen you cry before..._

_-Please no, mother..._

Ulquiorra tilt his head so little that It was barely noticable. His first day in school wasn't any better, he got targeted by bullies, because no one likes a pale, black-haired and un-social

boy. Then there was that accident with Orihime. And the highcshool was even worse, because here it grew to actual violence. And as all this continued, Aizen started his part in torturing Ulquiorra. And no one ever noticed. Or someone did, but that person probably did not care. It was when Ulquiorra decided. He stood up and his emerald-eyed gaze washed over the city. Then he tuned around, to see the forest.

He rose his hands up, remebering that he had done the same with Orihime.

_-Look, this is a test where we can check do we trust each other or not. _

_She smiled reassuringly, as to prove that she wont let him fall. _

_-Just raise your hands and fall, I will catch you._

He did the same, and he fell down. While he was falling, a song came to his mind.

**You lie, silent there before me,**

When Ulquiorra fell, it felt like eternity.

**Your tears, they mean nothing to me.**

When Ulquiorra kept on falling song kept on playing. And when he hit the ground, he did not hear yells of all these people's that were walking on the street, he heard only the final words of the song:

**Here's a lullaby to close your eyes, goodbye.**

Right before he died, he thought about Grimmjow.

_Ulquiorra had just fell on his back by some of idiots that had wanted money and he wasn't able to give it to them. Ulquiorra heard a sound that sounded like someone had just gave his hand to help Ulquiorra up 'But no one would do that, right?'_

"_Ya 'kay?" It was Grimmjow. Ulquiorra just looked at him. It was first time when Grimmjow was being nice to him, and that look in his eyes, he looked so nice back then..._

_Grimmjow was one of the people's that Ulquiorra hated the most, but the reason was different, he hated him, because he thought that he wasn't able to love._

**Goodbye...**


End file.
